ScreamFree Radicals

According to the CDC in Atlanta, in the next 10 years 40% of all Americans will be obese, shortening the life span for the first time in 40 years. Causes of death are diabetes, heart attack, cardiovascular problems, etc. The public health bill cost will be 355 billion dollars to take care of the expected increase in obesity.

Parents "don't matter"?

This is a perfect example of the limitations of traditional psychology. By finding that kids are dramatically shaped by their peer relationships, Harris concludes that parents have no effect on personality development. She operates from a scientific model that tries to examine things in isolation from one another, like peer influence and parental influence. But of course, parents have a dramatic effect on peer selection, and influential parents can also have an effect on those peers, and of course, none of these influences are static, once and for all effects--they are all happening over a length of time, within small interactions between parents, children, peers, peers' parents, teachers, coaches, extended family, media, movies, etc. Isolating one factor as so determinant that all the others "don't matter" is as faulty a reasoning as saying that because heredity is so influential in determining heart disease potential, that diet and exercise "don't matter."

Here's the article in question:

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1881384,00.html?iid=sphere-inline-sidebar

The Love Toilet

I just profiled this real product in my marriage book. It's in the chapter on needing separateness in marriage. Check it out. The TwoDaLoo

Divorce Sucks, Part II

20/20 did an expose on the Reyes family psychodrama last Friday, and it did a fairly decent job of highlighting the complexity of all this. The mom insists that this is a parenting issue, while the dad insists this is a faith issue. They both cry out for the "best" for their little girl.

First, however, let's be honest. They are not striving for what's best for their daughter--that would have involved some more serious work at re-pairing their marriage. Study after study says that staying together is best for the kids, as long as you're not just staying together for the kids. Couples have to learn to stay together for reasons beyond the kids, reasons like the pursuit of intimacy, companionship, romantic love, a shared life witness. As they pursue these pursuits (for they are never destinations), their children are led along their own journey into maturity, without the pressure to become the linchpin that holds the family together.

Ironically, that is exactly what happens to children in divorce. Think about it. This little girl is now a pawn being used by both parents to exert their rights, and act out their victimhoods.

Divorce just sucks. Can I get an "amen"?

Divorce Sucks

For a while now I've been thinking about writing a book called Divorce Sucks. Part self-help marriage book, part research expose, part memoir of my own childhood. Obviously, the title is an eye-catcher. It would certainly offend some. But if I could help one family stay together in a hope-filled way, then maybe we could reduce the number of stories like this.

In a strange narrative certain to find exposure soon on a Law & Order episode, a Chicago man has been arrested for baptizing his daughter. Now, obviously, this story needs context; this is not some new persecution of the Christian faith. What this is...is a complicated divorce mess. 'Cause divorce sucks.

See, Joseph Reyes, the father in custody, is in a battle for custody of his daughter. Joseph is Catholic. His ex-wife, Rebecca is Jewish. And the reason Joseph got arrested was because he had their daughter baptized without Rebecca's consent or even knowledge. Because their religious differences are such a point of contention in the divorce and custody case, Joseph has been charged with criminal contempt. If found guilty of indirect criminal contempt, Reyes could be sentenced to up to six months in jail.

The story gets better. It seems that Joseph, in a disastrous move repeated by spouses everywhere, converted to his spouse's religion, doing so just because he thought it would make his wife happier. Well, obviously, it didn't (they got a divorce). And obviously, his conversion didn't really count, or stick (he's in jail for baptizing his daughter in the name of the father, the son, and...).

What this shows is a classic example of the dangers of compromise in marriage. In an effort to make ourselves more "compatible" with our mates, we often compromise key parts of ourselves; we cut off or alter critical components of our personhood in order to keep things, well, kosher.

More tomorrow...

Basement People

I don't know how much our plight here in Atlanta has reached the national news, but those wondering...yes, we were affected. The deluge of 20+ inches of rain over a weekend can wreak havoc on any community. For us, strangely enough, it helped create one.

Here was the scene:  a gathering of rain-soaked and sewage-steeped people (friends, family, neighbors, and plumbers), ripping up carpet and moving furniture and sweeping fluids (and some solids), all working together in a strange sort of rhythmic harmony. That was the scene in our basement on Monday, and truth be told, it was quite a horrible day.

But, there are few things like crisis and tragedy to bring a people together. Perhaps it's sad, but times like these have a way of uniting us far more than even the best of occasions. Something about the human condition works best during suffering; something about the nature of community gets stronger during crisis. Maybe it has something to do with having a clear goal and a common enemy--we simply had to get the rising sewage stopped and the molding carpet out. There was no doubting the clarity of our vision, the strategy of our goal, and the tactics of our task.

And we got it all done.

Now, of course, we have a lot more work to do in order to have a functioning basement again. And our problems pale in comparison to those on the west side of Atlanta who are still under water. God be with them all.

But I really feel good about our experience, strangely enough. I really do. I want to capture the community-creating, mission-accomplishing, job-completing vibe we all shared down there in the basement. I want to bottle it up and share it with organizations, families, and communities worldwide.

After all, don't we all have a lot of crap to deal with everyday?

Apocalypse Not

Well, the speech is over, the propaganda has been unleashed, and our kids are forever altered for the worse. I guess that's what the naysayers want to believe about Obama's speech to our schoolchildren. I guess. The truth is that I simply cannot understand this protest at all. What exactly was the fear here? That our children would be directly exposed, unfiltered, to the socialist preachings of the radical left?

Did any of these protesters actually read the speech beforehand? Did you care to watch its delivery as you tried to hide your child's eyes?

Work hard in school. Don't make excuses. Inspire yourself to reach higher and change the next generation.

Wow, what incendiary notions. Actually, these are incendiary notions. Coming from the most powerful man on the planet, these are the exact kind of incendiary notions our schoolchildren need to hear. I'm thrilled that my kids watched and heard this kind of rhetoric. You know why? 'Cause it didn't come from me.

See, truths to our children are most well-received when they come from other adults. This is the point one of my best friends, John Turner, makes in his presentations. We want other adults saying things like "success only comes to those who work hardest," and "here in America, you write your own destiny," and "where you are now does not determine where you'll end up." These are inspirational, fundamental, and, dare I say it, downright American ideals. And the fact that my kids are hearing it from the highest rank in the world, higher even than dear old dad? Well, may it impact them as much as it did me. I was inspired to spend the rest of the day writing.

Now, after that, I'm going to go protest Obama's healthcare reforms, 'cause I don't like where that's headed...

Exhuming a Dead Blog...with Some Slapping

Hey kids, guess who's about to start blogging again? That's right, after 2.5 years or so, I'm finally going to resume (or should I say exhume?) this thing. While I wouldn't expect any miraculous diatribes any time soon--I am quite rusty and crusty after all--you can expect that 3-4x a week we'll throw around some radical, even dangerous ScreamFree musings. Sometimes it'll come in the form of a reflection, other times just a simple question that's anything but easy to answer.

And that's what's on the docket today. Ready? Here goes:  

What made Roger Stephens believe that slapping a 2-year-old would actually make her stop crying? 

It's like the opposite thinking of the old, inane warning, "I'll give you something to cry about!" With that warning, parents and grandparents are using the threat of slapping to quiet the child down. In Stephens' thinking, however, it's the pain-inducing slaps themselves that'll accomplish the shutting up.

I wonder if he's slapping himself in jail right now, trying to stop himself from crying.  

Life is Hard

So I'm dropping my clothes off at the cleaners' the other day, and my Indian owner friend remarks, "Hal, you look tired." Like usual, such a comment takes me somewhat aback, but I don't really want to get into it. so I shrug it off with the obligatory, "Ahh, you know, long day."

"Long day.......or long journey?"

Hmmm. That one stops me in my tracks. I'm not used to being that transparent, but then my friend makes it clear:

"Hal, your face tells a lot."

Wow. I'm left wondering what all my face is saying. Sure I'm busy, but who isn't? Just because my "busyness" involves travel and tv gigs doesn't make me especially worn out. Most everyone is about as busy as I am. Sure, pee-wee baseball just started again, and coaching my son's team adds a few hours a week. But is that the "tipping point" that sends my face screaming out about my "long journey"?

Truth is, I don't really know. I'm naturally a very introspective guy, and I preach around the country the virtues of focusing on one's self, but there are quite a few times when I just don't know what's going on inside. My wife, Jenny, can tell when I'm just "in a funk." Obviously, so can my dry cleaner.

But why now? Shouldn't there be a reason to be in a funk! My life is great! I've got a good marriage, wonderful, healthy kids, and our little ScreamFree business is going great. In fact, Mr. Thoreau, I'm going confidently in the direction of my dreams, and I'm living the life I've always imagined. But obviously that doesn't always make me happy, appreciative, energetic, etc.

Maybe it just means that, ta-da!, life is hard. Really hard. Life is hard, parenting is hard, marriage is hard, making a living is hard. Yes, there are wonderful moments, too numerous to count, but overall, life is hard.

No wonder those are the first words of Scott Peck's masterpiece of self-help, The Road Less Traveled. No wonder those words represent the first of Buddhism's Four Noble Truths. Nothing anyone can say can take away the truth that life is hard. I think that's my problem with most self-help and relationship-building materials--there is no secret that unlocks us from the shackles of the truth that life is hard.

But then again, maybe my dry cleaner knows something I don't.

A ScreamFree Coach

During his commentary of Super Bowl XLI, Phil Simms made several references to Colts' coach Tony Dungy and his very calm style of coaching.

"Coach Dungy is such a contrast from so many others, coaches who try to lead with fear, making themselves the common enemy of the players." Simms said once. At another time, Simms imitated Dungy's annual pre-season preamble to his players. In a relatively soft, yet strong voice, Dungy always starts the year off with: "Men, I want you to listen to me very carefully, because this is as loud as I will speak at any time throughout the year..." After completing the imitation, Simms concluded by stating that there is no coach in the NFL who garners more respect and love and admiration from his players than Coach Tony Dungy.

Turns out, he can win as well.

Congratulations to Tony Dungy and the Colts. I'm especially excited about their victory because it represents a victory of sorts for the ScreamFree way of leadership. Too often, parents rely on fear and intimidation-based efforts to control their kids, not realizing how such efforts actually compromise their intended goals. And the reasons we rely on those efforts are far from pure: 1) we are largely unaware of our own emotional reactivity; and 2) it's easier in the short term to just yell our kids into obedience.

Coaches who constantly rant and rave sometimes do get results. Bill Parcells has won two Super Bowls. Bobby Knight has won three NCAA championships. Jon Gruden even won a SuperBowl in Tampa the year after Dungy was fired there. Yes, they can get results. But what Coach Dungy realizes is that people cannot be motivated in a way that leaves them even and ever more dependent on someone besides themselves. They will only perform as long as they are scared of the leader. And the leader is the one who suffers. What they do not get is any sort of peace during the process. These are the coaches who boast about sleeping in the office througout the season, who sometimes repeatedly retire in order to gain some sanity (in the case of Parcells). Peter King noted in his article on SI.com that Dungy, in contrast, spent significant time during Super Bowl week with his family:

"There is no better lesson in the sport of coaching-office-couch-sleepers than for Dungy to win a Super Bowl with a brilliant defensive gameplan while spending time with his family Thursday night, Friday afternoon and night, and Saturday afternoon."

One of the greatest benefits of coaching, or parenting, in a non-reactive ("screamfree") way is that the leader does not have to sacrifice self or family in order to lead effectively.